Quaint night

Dear reader,

(I’ll be damned if anyone does read this)

Not sure why but I felt like writing tonight. Usually I scribble some errant thoughts and gushy feelings in a physical diary, but then I remembered the existence of blogger, so here I am. I hope this post makes sense, but knowing me, it will not. Lol. 

I think 2017 has been a strange year for me. I finished college, but I don’t feel super excited or anything like that. In fact, I feel more lost than ever. Try as I might not to compare myself to others, but it seems like I am relatively rudimentary when it comes to my career aspirations. And I can fully admit it, careers and that whole realm is no doubt one of my BIGGEST insecurities. My whole life people have told me “oh but you’re so smart, you’ll be fine” and “you’ll be a great addition wherever you go”. But bruh, I have no clue what I actually like or am good at. I know many people share my qualms, but I tend to get stuck in my head more so than other people. Compound this with the tendency of perfectionism and fears of failure and you got me: passive and listless. 

And at this rate, I don’t care that I’m admitting my weaknesses and flaws. I have plenty of them and I shall no longer repress or hide them. I know now that everything I’ve ever done, mistake or not, will serve me in some way. 

This year has also been a transformative and deeply spiritual one as well. It mainly happened in December. For some reason, something inside me just clicked and I didn’t want to hold back, pretend to be someone I’m not, or force anything that made me feel less like my authentic and pure self. I guess my Spirit was waking up. It was an odd experience one night as I lay there. I felt my heart chakra quite literally “spinning”. It felt like my heart was on fire, like I was claiming some part of myself again. I have never ever felt anything that other worldly in my life.

All of a sudden I saw, in a new light, how I was treating other people, but it was how I was treating MYSELF that translated into my relationships. 

If I didn’t respect myself, how can I respect others?

If I didn’t work on my personal well-being, how can I help others? 

If I didn’t love myself, how may I love others?

You see the pattern. In fact, the best thing I’ve learned is that everything starts and ends with yourself. Every damn road will lead back to you. Your light, your dark. Your words, your actions. Your silence, your noise. Make sure all these are integrated, loved and addressed. 

For me personally, I am learning how to deal with conflict in a healthy manner.. I have lived in false positivity for a large portion of my life, always avoiding conflict at any cost. I would bottle up all my emotions and the anger and resentments would simply be volcanic, when they were exposed. But I learned that balance is key...and repressing ANYTHING will always make it worse. To flow is the ultimate way of life. I will try my best not to constipate these energies. And I will try to face my other deepest insecurities and fears with a gentle heart.

I like the feeling of laying some bare bones out here, because I hope someone out there might feel less alone. However, even though I have thought being alone was a bad thing, it is not. I think alone time is just as crucial as socialization. And indeed, my whole life I felt rather like an outsider, a loner, from my background to my morals to the way I view my everyday life. I never quite “fit in”; sorry for the cliche. But truthfully I am rather simplistic, inquisitive and I drink in the beauty of every little detail in life. I truly see beauty in everyone and everything; it is a form of meditation for me. The tiniest things make me happy. And whatever interactions and connections I make, however trivial, I do not take it for granted. You know when people, whether from your past or a stranger,  message you out of the blue? I kind of think that’s incredible.

In that vein of thought, I am comforted by the fact that we are all here on this planet, at this Time, together, for a very specific reason. We are all One. I hope whoever is reading this may take their life into account if they haven’t already, because I wish nothing more than internal peace and compassion for everyone.

Until next time,

Michelle x